Love Has a Hold on Me

It has been almost a year since I have been here to blog. It isn't because I haven't had anything to say, it is mainly because I got tired of talking about my struggles.

This past week my 94 year old great aunt passed away. She spent the better part of her last 50 years a loner, she worked till she was 84 and retired mainly because her memory began to fail. She lived alone, had no friends, was content to read sit home and read books and shop through the mail.

12 days ago she was sent from the Nursing home to the hospital with bad blood circulation in her leg, turned her foot black from toes to her ankle. Scary. Her kidneys were also shutting down. Doctors said they would not perform surgery. It was only a matter of time. And for 10 days, I sat with her, held her hand, told her God loved her, God would take care of her, I prayed over her, cried tears when she became non-responsive on day 7, and continued to tell her I loved her. I knew where she was going, I knew she knew the Lord, I knew God would heal her and that the journey was ending. As I watched her slip away I kept thinking how lonely she must have been before she moved to San Antonio and my dad and I became her family. And God reminded me that he loved her first, he loved her always and he loved her now. She once even said to me that love had a hold on her (which totally reminded me of an Amy Grant song from many years back).

So on Wednesday, she took her last breath. I was at peace because I had already told her everything I had wanted to say including that I loved her. SHe is the last person in her family to pass on, she will join her parents and her 6 siblings. I believe Jesus met her at the gates and took her hand to walk her home.

I have always believed that life is a journey. This week I realized God's love journeys with us from first breath to sigh. And that comforts me.

A year in the life..

So, here is my life in pictures according to Facebook. (for the year 2009) I have to say, it is a random selection. From a beautiful chicken pot pie, to my nephew, to a gorgeous sunrise at the beach, to elementary school more than 30 years ago. It reminds me of how much I have to be thankful for.

Praise God from whom ALL blessings flow!

Peace,
Sara

A post..

In the year 1621, the Pilgrims held their first Thanksgiving feast. They invited the great Indian chief Massasoit, who brought ninety of his brave Indians and a great abundance of food. Governor William Bradford and Captain Miles Standish were honored guests. Elder William Brewster, who was a minister, said a prayer that went something like this: 'We thank God for our homes and our food and our safety in a new land. We thank God for the opportunity to create a new world for freedom and justice."


Wow, it has been quite awhile since I have been here. Guess I have not been all that newsworthy or thoughtful. I love to read the blogs of my friends who all have great insight into life in general.

So, today is Thanksgiving and as I got up this morning, I was thinking of the list of things to be thankful for..here goes.

My relationship with Jesus
Grace for the moment
A roof over my head, food on the table, clothing, ice for my drink, toilet paper..in that order
My parents
My nephew
My brother
My fabulous friends who continue to amaze me with their awesome tenacity to just live life as it comes (you inspire me, by the way)
Great food with good company (today, I mean)
The extended family (yes, all of them)
Second cousins between the ages of 2 and 13 (and they are just too cute!)
My health
Freedom from incarceration
Facebook, which has allowed me to connect with old friends who are now new friends (since we are all different people now)
Freedom to pray and practice my religion without fear of torture
Did I say Jesus??

This is the one day all year that I am really struck to stop and look at the blessings. There is a small wall hanging in my apartment that says "Blessings brighten when we count them", I look at it daily and remember there is much to be thankful for. Really. When you stop to look at it, start to count them..they far outweigh the yuckiness you may have around you.

I got to have a one to one visit with my Pastor this week. I look up to this guy because his teaching is always reality based and always thoughtful and insightful. We are the very same age, yet I still think his outlook rocks. One of the things I came away with that day, after half an hour in his study, was that sometimes we get so caught up in the loftiness of what could be that we lose sense of what really is and living in that realm. As in, being content where you are so you can move on to another realm of reality later. If we live in the what could be, we are missing out on the right now. And honestly, living in the what if really does suck. You are never happy and always worried.

There is a verse from the book of James that keeps running through my head..it goes "All good and perfect things are from above". All the goodness I have is from God. That should be enough.

I hope your Thanksgiving was a thankful, thoughtful one. Do share your list of Thanks here..would love to know what they are.

Peace,
Sara

You're blessed when you're content with just who you are—no more, no less. That's the moment you find yourselves proud owners of everything that can't be bought. You're blessed when you've worked up a good appetite for God. He's food and drink in the best meal you'll ever eat. Matthew 5:5-6 (The Message)

Whose feet will you wash?

I have been reading a blog that humbles me and inspires me. A recent post of hers was entitled "Her, here" and it talked about being the person Jesus would have us be right here where we live. In how we live and treat others around us. (Her blog is here if you wanted to read it, post was on June 5th)

After reading the beautiful post, a thought came to mind and it haunts me.

If you live alone, whose feet will you wash?

I often do for others, in fact, I often go out of my way to do for others. Yet, I come home and live alone.

Recently, I went to a wedding where after they said their vows, they washed each other's feet. And I thought it was so sweet of them to mark the beginning of their married lives by serving one another.

My thought today is whose feet will I wash?

Stay tuned.

Sara

Life, liberty and the PURSUIT of happiness

I admit it. Happiness escapes me. Come to think of it, I can't think of a time in my whole life when I can actually say I have been happy. Don't get me wrong, I have been content, I just haven't been happy.

This past year has been hard for me. I have discovered I am not much of a role model. Making mistakes seems to be my M.O. Bad decisions, bad outcome.

I have often wondered what it is to be happy. On my good days, I can be perky. Honestly, that takes a lot of building up to, though. And after a day of perkiness, I go home and hibernate.

Our nation is preoccupied with happiness. This may be cynical of me, but what is happiness really? I feel like it is overrated. Even our Declaration of Independance says.."life, liberty and the PURSUIT of happiness" as in you have to obtain it. We are all on a quest for happiness.

I have a good friend who is going through her own hard time. I asked her if she was happy or could she think of a time when she was happy. Her response was, I don't think anyone is really happy, you would not believe all the people on antidepressants who are searching for happiness.

And to go further out on my limb...the myth about finding Jesus is that when you get saved, it is all big, happy fun from there on out. Not really so, cause Jesus doesn't promise us happiness, either. Think about the person you ran into who helped you find Jesus. Were they really happy? They were saved, but were they happy?

Lately I post my status on my facebook page as "happiness is...." and I fill in the blank for the day. I grabbed a line out of a song by Matchbox 20 where he says, "happiness is a mat that sits in the doorway". That speaks to me along with my favorite saying of "normal is just a setting on the washing machine". Because I can't grasp either one.

I think our forefathers got it right when they said we all have the right to pursue happiness. As in, good luck!

I happen to be blessed with a dark side of myself. It takes an effort not to go to that place and dwell. Often times I catch myself saying things that are extremely sarcastic and cutting. I think it really stems from my 12 year incarceration where all I had as a defense were my words. I could cut someone down in an instant, in fact, it was a sport. Sarcasm was a service I offered. When I got out of prison and back to a real world where people don't abuse people with words, I had to learn not to say everything I was thinking. I am so much better today than I was 20 years ago.
I still make mistakes and say things of which I go home and pray for forgiveness over.

So, I don't know if I will ever actually find my happy place. I don't even know what happy is so if it came to meet me, I wouldn't recognize it. I wear a perfume that is called 'Happy'..whenever someone asks me what it is I will tell them and say..I wear it to remind myself to be happy today. Kind of an odd statement but very true. Because I am pursuing this thing called happiness. My quest for happiness.

Had a job offer on Friday that I took. I start Monday. I should be 'happy' but I am really just relieved. Finally. It has been 9 long, dry months. Dry as in desert dry.

Just for today, happiness is................(you fill in the blank).

Sara

An HIV Positive Muppet

This is actually a re-post, I found it on my friend, Jeff's blog. It spoke to me. It makes me sad that people live in a bubble and the world suffers for it.

I have a few friends who are living with HIV. Does that mean that they aren't my friends or that I don't hug them, or talk to them just like I would anyone else? No. It means they have a disease and they live with it each day. Bravely, I might add.

Did you know that HIV could be totally controlled in Africa by a few cents a day per person for meds? Literally the money we as Americans spend on bottled water could be used for meds for HIV or for clean water for Africans. That blows my mind.

Ignorance is bliss??

Sara




"In 2002, sesame workshop released a statement saying that they would be introducing an hiv-positive muppet to sesame street. what most people in the u.s. missed was that kami, the muppet in question, would not be appearing on the domestic version of sesame street, but the south african version, which is called takalani sesame. the producers of takalani sesame agreed that an hiv-positive muppet would be beneficial because south africa has the highest percentage of aids-infected people in the world, many of which are children. people became outraged that pbs would allow a children’s show to feature an hiv-positive character, and news sources and pundits went to town on the story. kami never appeared on the american sesame street, though she has proven to be a very successful character on takalani sesame."

is that too real for people?

Back again

I haven't blogged much this summer. I really enjoy reading others who have, kind of like a mini Christmas card long before Christmas. Probably why I like Facebook so much, too, just to hear what is going on with others.

I have to admit. I have been sad a lot lately. Mainly because nothing seems to go the way I really hope it will. Granted, I know there is a divine plan for each of us, but I wish it would reveal itself to me. If you ask my parents how I am doing, they would probably tell you they feel I have relapsed big time, as in back to square one from 9 years ago. Lovely, eh?

So, it is August. I am still between jobs, still struggling to make the bills, still floundering. I don't play the lottery (although that sounds pretty good right about now), maybe I should. I am struggling as it is hard to sell yourself to potential employers when you are feeling not so great.

I spend a LOT of time giving myself and my stuff away. I may not have money, but I am not opposed to giving you the shirt off of my back if you need it more than I do. I feel for the people who are struggling, the homeless people on the corner, the children who are starving, an economy that has everyone actually praying. Along with the lack of rain which also has everyone praying.

I know we are here for a short season, but while we are here, and before we die, what is the purpose? I am having a hard time finding the nitche, the sweet spot I need to be living in. Don't get me wrong, I believe in a God who has the best for us, I believe God has good things, I believe that God is the reason you get through bad times, in fact, God got me through 12 years of prison..without my faith in a higher power, a hope, I wouldn't have made it.

I am angry, tired, and worried about my situation. It won't change unless I change it, or change something..just figuring out what that is.

I love that my time is flexible and I can help out where needed with volunteering. It helps when you have a project you can throw yourself into.

So, it is August. I am trusting that something good is coming, and praying for the answer. Praying for peace to stay the course. Praying for the big reveal to come soon. Thankful for friends and family, and parents who continue to stick with me despite how bad it seems. God is good. Always.

I have a song playing in my head that seems so appropriate for me right now..goes like this. (It is 30 years old, but seems so appropriate for the times.)

Light of the world, shine on me
Love is the answer.

Sara

This is the day

Couldn't think of a better title. I haven't blogged in awhile, guess I just lost motivation.

It has been a traumatic month for me. So many things have gone wrong along the way, I keep thinking there has to be an end in sight.

I am still looking for full time, permanent employment. I am piecing part time jobs together to meet the bills. It is a real lesson in humility.

It is so hot here every single day. I have a covered parking place at home, which at first I didn't see why I really needed it but this summer I have discovered that parking under cover helps to keep the car not so hot, AND you can touch the door handle or the steering wheel and not get third degree burns from it. I have to pay extra for a covered space, but it has been worth it for that reason alone. However, in my apt. complex there are only limited amount of covered places to park, those are all paid spaces. Many, many times I have come home late at night and some person has parked in my space. Supposedly, if that happens, you call the after hours telephone number and have the courtesy officer come out and have the car towed. I have never done that, I just leave a note on the windshield (I am sure that doesnt help but it makes me feel better). The management company put out a letter earlier this month and said they will be reinforcing covered parking use. Make sure you have your parking tag visible in the window. So, anyway, supposedly parking is being reinforced. I came home 2 nights ago around midnight, and someone was in my place. Keep in mind, there are several space in my parking area that aren;t being used or paid for..for some reason, mine is the popular place to pull in. So, I decided to check out the towing system. Called the after hours number, made a complaint. Went to check again around 2am to see if the space was clear. It was but I am not sure the tow truck did the job, I am thinking someone had a guest who left. So, at 2am I went to move my car into my space and thought about my priorities now that money is tight. Do I really need a covered space for extra money a month? Got rid of my cable, didn,t get a converter box for my tv so all I see now is snow, I use wireless internet I can pick up on for free, I plan my driving around town so I don't have to drive back and forth needlessly. Covered parking seems like it would be something small or stupid, but it pays off for me. (mainly because where I lived last year parking was a total free for all and I always came home and had to fend for myself, which usually meant parking a block away and walking home, it was usually midnight or after and I never felt comfortable doing that) Funny, how little things mean a lot.

Speaking of little things, isn't it funny that, at least in my world, things like a flower or a Starbucks coffee reign huge in value? I have been a giver all of my life, I would totally give you the shirt off of my back if I thought you needed it more than I did. I often give away my stuff just for the sake of it. Recently, I had to re-evaluate that. I can't be quite the giver I have always been because I just can't afford it. That makes me sad. I can still give away my time, effort, and heart, though.

Sometimes, a new day brings new perspective. Today I love my parking spot, am grateful I don't live on the street (and yes, it has come very close to that), appreciate my parents and friends, and love my church. I also refuse to totally give up on the giving myself away thing. It is my MO and I will find ways to do it.

Praise God from whom all blessings flow.

Sara

Summertime, broken toes and dry roasted edamame

So summer is here in full force. The past 2 days have been well into the 100 degrees. Gonna be a long summer if we dont get some rain. Water rationing is in Stage 1.

This has been an interesting week for me. My parents went on vacation to visit my brother and family..read, the grandchild. My car stopped working on Wednesday. After 3 surgeries and some complications, my Grannie now has a new nose, or a nose in process of becoming a new nose, thanks to skin cancer. (it is amazing how they can now rebuild facial features, her nose is built from skin taken off of her thigh)I am still unemployed and broke, although I am taking odd jobs to get by.

It is the little things that mean the most these days. $1 large soda from McDonalds. A $.75 iced tea refill from Bill Miller BBQ if you take your reusable cup in. Someone mentioned to me that the best thing on the planet was dry roasted edamame. I love edamame. I always have a bag of edamame in my freezer for a snack or sometimes even a dinner. They are good for you and taste good. Had never had them dry roasted though. He found his at Costco so that is where I went. Found them up front by the cash register. They come in a tub and I was overjoyed at the find. I just knew this was another one of those small finds that make my day. After all, the build up had been pretty favorable. So, I bought them, got to my car in the heat, ripped open the top of the jug/tub and grabbed several to throw in my mouth. I dont consider myself a picky eater, but I should have tried a piece or two before I threw a handful in. UGH!! I dont like dry roasted edamame at all. It was a great thing I had a drink to wash that down with because it was really not my thing. If there are any dry roasted edamame fans out there, I have a treat for you. I have never left Costco with only one item in my life before today. Costco is just the kind of place one can get in trouble by browsing around. I had a plan, I stuck to it and left. HUGE progress in my life at this stage of the money game.

2 days ago I slammed my pinky toe into the corner of the wall. I still dont know how that happened except that I was obviously not paying attention where I was walking, and no it wasnt dark..it was broad daylight. I have never had something hurt so wickedly much in my whole life. EVER. Just brushing it against the sheet at night kills me. And shoes? Forget it! Yesterday it turned black and blue, not that I didnt know I had injured it. My word. It has totally taken over the pain of my twisted knee that I injured a month ago and I still cant balance on. (that is another story in itself)

For the past month, I have been helping take care of my Grandmother. We lost my Grandfather on Mothers Day and right after we had his service, my Grannie went in for round 1 of surgery to her nose. She had a reaction to the anesthesia and ended up staying in hospital for several days. She came home but needed a lot of help to get around and all. I think she is finally on the mend, she started back to driving which makes me cringe since she cant wear her glasses quite yet. According to her, she can see people. God help us all, as my Dad says.

Sometimes I really worry about provision. I know God has always met my needs in small ways or large ways. Ways that I would not have known about or thought about or expected. By grace I have never had to live on the street, or beg churches for help, or panhandle. Although, honestly, I can easily see how that can happen. I still have an apartment full of stuff to downsize and if I had a yard, I would throw it all out there and have one big honker of a yard sale. Instead, I am overwhelmed at the thought of piecing it off via ebay or craigslist. So, I worry about provision. And yet still trust that my needs will be met. And then the car breaks down, and I get a speeding ticket in Shavano (taking a drivers class online, supposed to be a comedy class but it isnt and it is PAINFUL to sit through) and expenses hit me that I did not expect and are large in need. I have to wonder how welfare families make ends meet.

I read this today and wanted to share it with you.

Psalm 121:1, "I will lift up my eyes to the hills - from whence comes my help?"

I think so many people get confused by this scripture because they fail to read the next verse. The psalmist goes on to say in the next verse, "My help comes from the Lord, Who made heaven and earth." There is the answer. Don't look to the things the Lord has made like the hills, trees, moon or sun for your help. Help does not come from these things - it comes only from Our Father who made them.

Today I will trust God for my strength and provision. No matter what.

Peace,
Sara

A New Day

I haven't posted in awhile. I haven't really had much to say, mainly because not much has been happening for the great lately.

Today I got called on the carpet for some of my not so nice behavior. One of the great things about recovery from any addiction is that every single day is a painful learning kind of day. Today was one of those.

Right now I am learning how to move away from passive aggressive to assertive and it isnt working too well.

I start over again, today. Step 1. Letting Go.

Happy Tuesday.
Sara