Life, liberty and the PURSUIT of happiness

I admit it. Happiness escapes me. Come to think of it, I can't think of a time in my whole life when I can actually say I have been happy. Don't get me wrong, I have been content, I just haven't been happy.

This past year has been hard for me. I have discovered I am not much of a role model. Making mistakes seems to be my M.O. Bad decisions, bad outcome.

I have often wondered what it is to be happy. On my good days, I can be perky. Honestly, that takes a lot of building up to, though. And after a day of perkiness, I go home and hibernate.

Our nation is preoccupied with happiness. This may be cynical of me, but what is happiness really? I feel like it is overrated. Even our Declaration of Independance says.."life, liberty and the PURSUIT of happiness" as in you have to obtain it. We are all on a quest for happiness.

I have a good friend who is going through her own hard time. I asked her if she was happy or could she think of a time when she was happy. Her response was, I don't think anyone is really happy, you would not believe all the people on antidepressants who are searching for happiness.

And to go further out on my limb...the myth about finding Jesus is that when you get saved, it is all big, happy fun from there on out. Not really so, cause Jesus doesn't promise us happiness, either. Think about the person you ran into who helped you find Jesus. Were they really happy? They were saved, but were they happy?

Lately I post my status on my facebook page as "happiness is...." and I fill in the blank for the day. I grabbed a line out of a song by Matchbox 20 where he says, "happiness is a mat that sits in the doorway". That speaks to me along with my favorite saying of "normal is just a setting on the washing machine". Because I can't grasp either one.

I think our forefathers got it right when they said we all have the right to pursue happiness. As in, good luck!

I happen to be blessed with a dark side of myself. It takes an effort not to go to that place and dwell. Often times I catch myself saying things that are extremely sarcastic and cutting. I think it really stems from my 12 year incarceration where all I had as a defense were my words. I could cut someone down in an instant, in fact, it was a sport. Sarcasm was a service I offered. When I got out of prison and back to a real world where people don't abuse people with words, I had to learn not to say everything I was thinking. I am so much better today than I was 20 years ago.
I still make mistakes and say things of which I go home and pray for forgiveness over.

So, I don't know if I will ever actually find my happy place. I don't even know what happy is so if it came to meet me, I wouldn't recognize it. I wear a perfume that is called 'Happy'..whenever someone asks me what it is I will tell them and say..I wear it to remind myself to be happy today. Kind of an odd statement but very true. Because I am pursuing this thing called happiness. My quest for happiness.

Had a job offer on Friday that I took. I start Monday. I should be 'happy' but I am really just relieved. Finally. It has been 9 long, dry months. Dry as in desert dry.

Just for today, happiness is................(you fill in the blank).

Sara