Life, liberty and the PURSUIT of happiness

I admit it. Happiness escapes me. Come to think of it, I can't think of a time in my whole life when I can actually say I have been happy. Don't get me wrong, I have been content, I just haven't been happy.

This past year has been hard for me. I have discovered I am not much of a role model. Making mistakes seems to be my M.O. Bad decisions, bad outcome.

I have often wondered what it is to be happy. On my good days, I can be perky. Honestly, that takes a lot of building up to, though. And after a day of perkiness, I go home and hibernate.

Our nation is preoccupied with happiness. This may be cynical of me, but what is happiness really? I feel like it is overrated. Even our Declaration of Independance says.."life, liberty and the PURSUIT of happiness" as in you have to obtain it. We are all on a quest for happiness.

I have a good friend who is going through her own hard time. I asked her if she was happy or could she think of a time when she was happy. Her response was, I don't think anyone is really happy, you would not believe all the people on antidepressants who are searching for happiness.

And to go further out on my limb...the myth about finding Jesus is that when you get saved, it is all big, happy fun from there on out. Not really so, cause Jesus doesn't promise us happiness, either. Think about the person you ran into who helped you find Jesus. Were they really happy? They were saved, but were they happy?

Lately I post my status on my facebook page as "happiness is...." and I fill in the blank for the day. I grabbed a line out of a song by Matchbox 20 where he says, "happiness is a mat that sits in the doorway". That speaks to me along with my favorite saying of "normal is just a setting on the washing machine". Because I can't grasp either one.

I think our forefathers got it right when they said we all have the right to pursue happiness. As in, good luck!

I happen to be blessed with a dark side of myself. It takes an effort not to go to that place and dwell. Often times I catch myself saying things that are extremely sarcastic and cutting. I think it really stems from my 12 year incarceration where all I had as a defense were my words. I could cut someone down in an instant, in fact, it was a sport. Sarcasm was a service I offered. When I got out of prison and back to a real world where people don't abuse people with words, I had to learn not to say everything I was thinking. I am so much better today than I was 20 years ago.
I still make mistakes and say things of which I go home and pray for forgiveness over.

So, I don't know if I will ever actually find my happy place. I don't even know what happy is so if it came to meet me, I wouldn't recognize it. I wear a perfume that is called 'Happy'..whenever someone asks me what it is I will tell them and say..I wear it to remind myself to be happy today. Kind of an odd statement but very true. Because I am pursuing this thing called happiness. My quest for happiness.

Had a job offer on Friday that I took. I start Monday. I should be 'happy' but I am really just relieved. Finally. It has been 9 long, dry months. Dry as in desert dry.

Just for today, happiness is................(you fill in the blank).

Sara

An HIV Positive Muppet

This is actually a re-post, I found it on my friend, Jeff's blog. It spoke to me. It makes me sad that people live in a bubble and the world suffers for it.

I have a few friends who are living with HIV. Does that mean that they aren't my friends or that I don't hug them, or talk to them just like I would anyone else? No. It means they have a disease and they live with it each day. Bravely, I might add.

Did you know that HIV could be totally controlled in Africa by a few cents a day per person for meds? Literally the money we as Americans spend on bottled water could be used for meds for HIV or for clean water for Africans. That blows my mind.

Ignorance is bliss??

Sara




"In 2002, sesame workshop released a statement saying that they would be introducing an hiv-positive muppet to sesame street. what most people in the u.s. missed was that kami, the muppet in question, would not be appearing on the domestic version of sesame street, but the south african version, which is called takalani sesame. the producers of takalani sesame agreed that an hiv-positive muppet would be beneficial because south africa has the highest percentage of aids-infected people in the world, many of which are children. people became outraged that pbs would allow a children’s show to feature an hiv-positive character, and news sources and pundits went to town on the story. kami never appeared on the american sesame street, though she has proven to be a very successful character on takalani sesame."

is that too real for people?

Back again

I haven't blogged much this summer. I really enjoy reading others who have, kind of like a mini Christmas card long before Christmas. Probably why I like Facebook so much, too, just to hear what is going on with others.

I have to admit. I have been sad a lot lately. Mainly because nothing seems to go the way I really hope it will. Granted, I know there is a divine plan for each of us, but I wish it would reveal itself to me. If you ask my parents how I am doing, they would probably tell you they feel I have relapsed big time, as in back to square one from 9 years ago. Lovely, eh?

So, it is August. I am still between jobs, still struggling to make the bills, still floundering. I don't play the lottery (although that sounds pretty good right about now), maybe I should. I am struggling as it is hard to sell yourself to potential employers when you are feeling not so great.

I spend a LOT of time giving myself and my stuff away. I may not have money, but I am not opposed to giving you the shirt off of my back if you need it more than I do. I feel for the people who are struggling, the homeless people on the corner, the children who are starving, an economy that has everyone actually praying. Along with the lack of rain which also has everyone praying.

I know we are here for a short season, but while we are here, and before we die, what is the purpose? I am having a hard time finding the nitche, the sweet spot I need to be living in. Don't get me wrong, I believe in a God who has the best for us, I believe God has good things, I believe that God is the reason you get through bad times, in fact, God got me through 12 years of prison..without my faith in a higher power, a hope, I wouldn't have made it.

I am angry, tired, and worried about my situation. It won't change unless I change it, or change something..just figuring out what that is.

I love that my time is flexible and I can help out where needed with volunteering. It helps when you have a project you can throw yourself into.

So, it is August. I am trusting that something good is coming, and praying for the answer. Praying for peace to stay the course. Praying for the big reveal to come soon. Thankful for friends and family, and parents who continue to stick with me despite how bad it seems. God is good. Always.

I have a song playing in my head that seems so appropriate for me right now..goes like this. (It is 30 years old, but seems so appropriate for the times.)

Light of the world, shine on me
Love is the answer.

Sara